Love Therapy

Couples who have been together for a while, and new partners wondering how to make it last, love has revolutions that must be completed. There will come a time when you must go deep as one determined unit, past transgressions and inadvertent wounds to rediscover the magic and essence of your individual couplehood.

Destroy & Rebuild Foundations

In relationships, we must be aware not everything old is compatible with the new. Things that have worked for us in our past, may not work in our future or present relationships. Your partnership is much like a house built from the ground up. If you want that house to last, it requires a strong foundation. Lots of people build their homes using the blueprints of old, outdated foundations, then they move in and everything slowly falls apart. The house is eventually destroyed, but the foundation laid remains until they decide to build a new one.

The entire process of destroying and rebuilding foundations starts with constructing your personal foundation. Prepare yourself with patience and understanding, identify what it is that you are searching for and practice articulating your needs to whomever it is you decide to be involved with. You must also have the ability to recognize when a person isn’t on the same page as you and then make the proper adjustments as necessary, which may mean limiting interactions, or calls. You should also strive for learning to convey the reason for your adjustment. It is crucial that after you make any form of adjustment that you remain firm in your decision.

Make sure you build your foundation with constructive qualities and beliefs. A constructive foundation embodies what you need, which allows you to express your needs to potential partners without forcing them to compromise their own values. Because they keep their sense of self, it permits them to give to you confidently and comfortably. Nobody enjoys feeling as if they are being taken from, drained, or compromised, so be sure to make it easy for people to want to give to you.

It isn’t difficult for a person to recognize another person who has a solid foundation, that’s because you will project an outward expression of an embodied stronghold. Your confidence, mannerisms, and ability to communicate will manifest themselves more effectively  because of your strengthened foundation. Only those who have built strong foundations have the ability to withstand the weathering of a real relationship so, build on to yourself before attempting to construct with another person.

Diminishing Misconceptions

Many of us enter into our relationships believing in certain concepts of love that could potentially damage the welfare of our relationships. These misconceptions place expectations on our partners that they may or may not have the capacity to deliver, and when they fail to meet those expectations we resent our partners and blame love. As we grow in our relationships, misconceptions such as “love is a two-way street” or “love doesn’t hurt” should be ruled null and void because they don’t apply in a real relationship.

Love in it’s most simplistic definition is “charity.” Charity is a gift from one party to another without any payment or gift anticipated in return. When we define love as “charity” it never becomes a two-way street, in fact, love is often a one way street with a stop light. It’s necessary to regulate just how much love you are giving out because giving too much of yourself can cause you to either forget about your own needs or may cause you to be taken advantage of. When love is working the way it was designed to work, that’s where the two-way street manifests, two people giving freely of themselves. It is not you give me some then I’ll give some back. Similar to a highway, sometimes one side has traffic and the other side is flowing. Love fluctuates.

Another misconception is that “love doesn’t hurt.” Love hurts for the better. The very idea of love forces us to break bad habits, do things we normally don’t do, and above all, it forces us to be vulnerable. There will always be moments when love hurts because nothing good comes without hard work and the willingness to take a potentially painful risk. Love is an action meant to be performed over and over again; some of us get it right the first or second time around, but others have to learn the painful lessons it takes to become intimate with love and learn how to apply what we’ve learned to the necessary areas.

Maintaining Consistency

Lack of consistency is one of the top reasons why relationships fail. This is the reason why our partners may say, “He doesn’t do the things he used to do”, or  “She’s not the same person I remember.” Consistency is vital to our relationships’ success. Consistency, by one definition, means “an agreement or harmony of parts or features to one another or a whole.” So ask yourself, what are we agreeing on? and where is our harmony that is necessary for a successful relationship?

Four Key Practices

Love in Communication: Hone communicating your feelings regardless of fear or doubt. Do this knowing it means progress and understanding when you are being communicated to as well.

Love in relations: Show love in this area not just sexually, but find what makes each of you feel appreciated. When you do this neither you or your partner will feel burdened when giving.

Love in confrontation: Even when you’re disagreeing, show love. Never use hurtful information against each other because you erode your partner’s sense of trust that they can’t be intimate with you. Find a way to argue productively towards a solution or just listen to what’s being said.

Believing in the Existence of Love: The biggest and most powerful lie we can tell ourselves is that love doesn’t exist or it doesn’t work. Find a way to destroy the barriers keeping you from loving and love selflessly and abundantly,  and you’ll rarely be unsatisfied.

Human beings instinctively seek the most comfortable and pleasurable circumstances, elements that are naturally consistent within our personalities. With a combination of life experience and external influence, we develop an internal persona which influences our perspectives, decisions and attractions. We then let this persona develop our idea of love, which serves to become an item of our basic instinct: the yearning to be satiated.

People continuously change within relationships, however, love does not change. In order to have a sense of consistency, we must embody a synonymous definition of love. As we hold on to our definition, our personalities will mature, but the actions we took at the beginning of our relationship will never go away because they will grow as we do.

Our agreement to love another produces a harmony between two hearts and minds; it allows us to apply every variable of love to each other consistently. This doesn’t mean there won’t be issues within the relationship, (every relationship has them), but it does mean issues will be solved with love, that troubles should be resolved productively. Maintain your consistency by upholding your agreement to love and fight against your selfish instincts. Love is a living thing, which thrives as you provide for its care. The more you place your relationship into love, the more love places itself into you.

Appreciation & Reassurance
Men and women have many incentives to love, however, there are two in particular that are constant necessities in any relationship. Appreciation and reassurance. Each of these qualities are love’s fuel and glue and need to be exercised often in any relationship. Although men and women have a different demand for each of the two, women, I believe, are more in need of reassurance, as men are more in need of appreciation.
Because women instinctively love through their ability to communicate feelings of love and spending quality time with their partners, they have little issue reassuring. Men, on the other hand, naturally love through their ability to provide, protect and physically please, so appreciation is one of men’s natural gifts. Again, this is my opinion. Both men and women should be proactive in learning how to give to each others love in this respect.
Without these elements, resentment can be created, which may cause other aspects of the relationship to deteriorate, communication, for example. If one isn’t receiving these necessities, the resentment may cause a person’s ability to communicate from a place of love to be diminished and therefore, to become ineffective.
Conversely, appreciation and reassurance encourage a a cycle of building trust within a relationship, which ultimately guides the two of you into true intimacy. Intimacy, being the final and most important part of any relationship as well as the most difficult to attain if the prerequisites haven’t been met. Lovers must keep appreciation and reassurance in mind at all times if they truly wish to take their relationship to the next level.
Setting Boundaries & Gaining Understanding
In our generation’s relationship practices, we see a lot boundaries being crossed as well as the presence of stubbornness ruining the stability of relationships. It is more than necessary to establish how far you are willing to go for the sake of your relationship, and even more necessary to learn to understand the other. There are too many people who have no discernible perimeter for what they will do to keep their relationship, due to the fear of starting over or being alone. At the same time, people define too many limitations for what their partner cannot do in their relationship. Relationships can’t function under those kinds of circumstances.
It is of the greatest importance to maintain your own identity within your relationship. Any and all relationships are a sum of two parts working together and should remain two parts to continue being considered a relationship. The feeling of love can be a consuming one. If you are taken by that feeling to a point where you are no longer an independent operator in your relationship it may result in your being drained of an ability to be conscious of boundaries you shouldn’t cross. You will do things because you “love” them, ignore signs that are obvious to everyone observing them and blame yourself for problems that arise in your situation (I reference “situation” because at this level your relationship has ceased).
Gaining understanding in a relationship is vital. To know your partner’s habits, likes, and dislikes is one thing, but to understand why they are important to them is far more important. Understanding must be reached in relationships, or resentments could potentially damage the relationship. Arguments and misunderstandings are inevitable in all relationships, however, they are just learning experiences. Remembering this may help you during your next disagreement.
Certain boundaries need to be discussed in relationships, especially as sexual romance is concerned. Many people are not willing and/or comfortable fulfilling certain of their partner’s sexual desires. Discuss these challenges and settle upon a mutual agreement.
Once these boundaries are set and understanding is achieved, the lines of communication become clearer and resolution easier. All of these items work together in love and should be exercised consciously.
Reaching for Intimacy
The most important step in our love relationships is reaching intimacy. Defined as “the acquiring of a deep unusual understanding of a person”, reaching intimacy requires the constant study of your partner’s mental, emotional and physical conditions to understand their being.
It requires trust in your most vulnerable areas, too: forgiveness and sacrificing your will for the sake of love.
Intimacy doesn’t happen magically or suddenly; it requires absolute commitment to not just the “titles” to which many of us apply so much substance. It requires the decision to put your hands to the plow and cultivate your love regardless the season. If you have no trust or fear of being vulnerable you will find it impossible to acquire the experience of an intimate love. But you must first make yourself available to it and then stick with it.
You must be proud of your relationship as you give up being prideful. Accept the possibility of being wrong. Know what roles you play, and give your partner your best effort.
Advertisements

Treasure

As I journeyed into the wilderness looking for you

I encountered amazing internal treasures roaming in the solitude
They were like flower beds of silver and gold
They were like trees of life that never grew old
They were still like the earth but powerful too
They were soft like silk
Sweet like honey and milk
Dazzling colors of fairy tales flowed from the lakes of my spirit well
I had been made well
If this life wore a watch time could tell
On the other side of my journey
There were days that felt like nights
Times I had to fight the beasts of fear with all my might
Moments I laid spent wondering if I chose the left path instead of the right
Staring at the sky under the blazing sun
Imagining how many sons conquered this plight
Sequestered in the depths of carnality
I had to die to live and save my sanity
In my death I found the revelries in humility
I found the serenity in surrender
Once I find you I’ll remember
That it took more than just desire
the day I realized I was more than a conqueror
The day I found works by faith
Life through death from grace
I found that love flowed in spiritual space

Let’s be outlaws, partners in crime

Let’s piss this country off by stepping out of the white lines

Let’s make a little more than noise when we open our mouths

Let’s make them acknowledge our voice

Until we are free in this land let’s stand and be brave

Let’s be outlaws even if they chase us to our graves

Let’s go out on a limb and lynch this oppression

Let us remind them that freedom doesn’t lie and equality doesn’t come in the form of blue collar professions

Let’s be outlaws and sing our own anthem

With fist held high and tight

Voices of the martyrs rise up for the fight

Let’s be outlaws and rebuild what they tore down

Oh say can you see it’s not time to back down

As when they slept peacefully till dawns early light

Our families planned our survival through the night

Therefore because of them I execute my right, I fight.

We Are One

You're like an unsheathed sword whose blade has countless nicks

It glistens with blood, encroached by rust

A half broken blade with a lethal crack

You give into fear unable to face your grief

You turn away from love in utter disbelief 

You'd rather die lonely in the cold

Than be refined by hammer under fire

You are but a days end away from being thin as wire 

You are one rain drop away from snapping in two

I was to be a sheath to you

to support, guard and be one with you

To let your jagged edges rest in my spirit

To be refined by the fire in my soul 

Forgive me for my absence

I fell at the wayside of pride

Shrouded in ego

Encumbered by unconscious paradigms

With the image of God created in me

I should have known the power of your femininity 

All that it is gave meaning to my masculinity 

For out of man you came to be

Now all of you lives inside of me

We are whole and complete and lacking nothing 

Having been made one in each other

We have become as lightning and thunder 

At the hand of love 

We are one because of the other

Faith 101 

God establishes your faith

You find yourself drawn into some church on some odd Sunday because one of your friends or family members “dragged” or “pressured” you to go. You say ok and you go expecting church to be what you’ve always heard about, full of acts and phonies. Some how though, the worship seems to move you and you’re having emotional responses that you suppress cause you don’t want anyone to see you. You make it through it without dropping a tear, go you! You sit there and the preacher begins speaking his message and you’re uncomfortable because what he’s saying is reflecting what your life is taking you through. You suspect your family or friend has told him you were coming and gave him some background on you but they are not giving you any indicators they have when he speaks on your life. You’re thinking “this is crazy! How does he know this?!” And you begin to listen attentively cause he’s telling you theres a solution to your suffering. He tells you about his good friend Jesus and how he can change your life for eternity. You like the notion that your life can change and you start desiring it, you hear that all you have to do is believe that his good friend died for you that he will be your good friend and take care of you. Your mustard seed gets planted and you say yes. Faith has been established! 

“So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭10:17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

You come to acceptance of that faith and you come again and again and you’re high on what God has been doing for you. You are now saved sanctified and filled with the Holy Ghost whoop whoop! No one can ever tell you God isn’t real, but there’s more! You have enrolled into the walk with Jesus Christ as his disciples had done and your lessons begin. God begins telling you to do things he wants you to do, they are hard and you don’t want to do them because they make you uncomfortable and you begin to wonder where that blissful time in God has gone where things just worked. Suddenly something happens that may hurt your feelings and you say “God why did you let that happen to me? Are you real? I thought you were supposed to protect me and make my life better?” 

God challenges your faith

If everything were to be fixed in your life and you were to have no more problems in your life would you really appreciate what God has given you? Would you stop sinning and actually be righteous and upright? Or would you take advantage of Gods gift and do what you wanted to do? Would you take his gift and only love yourself with it? He knows you’ll forget what he brought you out of so he sends you reminders of your weakness and his strength. Those reminders are always hard and just what you need to grow in him. He wants you to accept them and remember he loves you.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.“But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

‭‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4 ‭NKJV‬‬

Just like any teacher God assigns tests, but God isn’t like any teacher we know. He has a specific lesson plan made for each of us, that means your lessons may be more difficult (looking) than someone else’s. The lessons are meant to attack your weaknesses so that the enemy cannot defeat you with them. Healing your brokenness is that patience having its perfect work. You have to go through these trials to eliminate the strongholds the devil has established in you. Don’t resist God and give yourself over to the enemy because you want to feel good all the time. 

God builds your faith 

Once you understand the purposes of Gods trials you begin to recognize how faith operates, you start to understand that faith has to grow in you from that little seed of faith to a fruit bearing tree of faith but you have to water it right? You have to have faith in the little things of your life. Say you want a job, you pray that God gives it to you, you apply, you say “God is gonna let me have it”, you don’t get the job. Has God forsaken you? Has your faith failed? No! You pour more water on that seed. “I’m believing God has something better for me so I’ll keep praying and keep applying”. We don’t have a clue what God is doing but we must trust his timing and when he does deliver you’ll look back on that job you thought was for you and thank him that he didn’t give it to you because of how great the real blessing is. 

“For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “The just shall live by faith.””

‭‭Romans‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

And you are transformed by your faith in God
After believing, being tested, and growing by those tests you learn to question less and follow more. God has proven himself to you time and time again so you have confidence in him more than you ever had before. You worry less, you are comfortable in times of strife, and you’re full of joy when the rest of the world says you should be messed up with sadness. You know for certain God will use anything to move you forward. All those time you saw an end God opened a door that no man could close, you know just how weak you are and understand the duality of yourself. Your life is really changed. Your mind is really changed. You notice and other people notice as well. 

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:1-5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

What God has done he will continue to do and we all must fight to get to that place of peace in God. Even in writing this I realize how far away I am from being a fully grown tree in Christ. Trusting God is by no means an easy task but continuing to walk with him will make it easier. Remembering where we started should be reassurance enough to know that we are different because of him. Remembering those things should be motivation enough to tell someone about him. Sometimes we get caught up in the feelings of not being good enough when we fail but fail to realize the success God has had even in our failures. He knows and understands fully what we are going through and that’s why He never forsakes us. Whoever believes is going to be made whole, so remember what God has done and just keep going. 

Thank you 2014 but GOODBYE!

Wow, its already mid December anddirection I can’t say I’m sad about it. This year has been the most difficult, crazy, heartbreaking, most exciting year of my life. I’ve learned more about me in the last 12 months than I have in my whole 26 years of living, mostly because of a tremendous fall I had to take and the difficult climb to make it back to sanity. 2014 began with heartbreak. The kind where you lose yourself trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, blindsided by your own trust and life had no safety net for you. THAT KIND!

Needless to say I recovered! I got responsible, the strength I took from that experience made me a whole new man. All things do work together for the good to them that love god. I got focused and began writing again, I got back in school, and surprisingly I was asked to be the leader of the mens group at my church. I started studying the word of god more and I’ve been learning more and more about what being a man of god really means. To be excited about responsibility, commitment, and love. To expect that this world is designed to test and temp me in the areas that I am weakest  so I have to guard myself accordingly. I stopped “Turning up” as much and I got in the gym. taking better care of my body became very important to me as well as a stress reliever.

My desire to live a purposeful life grew into joy and I became committed to that. I discovered that finding myself required me to give more of what I already possessed and not keep it in. The hardest part about that was being able to admit when I had an emotional response to something that upset me. I’ve always been the indestructible nothing could hurt me type of person B-Epiphanyand I knew more than anyone that wasn’t true. I tried to find the easiest ways to express those negative emotions until I had to just say F#*k it and just say it raw. Freedom came with that kind of openness because I no longer had to lie to myself or anyone else by saying “I’m fine”. I couldn’t live like that and say I’m committed to growth, it’s difficult but its making me better.

The thing I have to say I’ve despised about 2014 is the dating life! its like I have been in a coma and come out to discover relationships have been broken down into sex, food, and money. chivalry isn’t dead but it sure is in critical condition, so much so that if you are even half-decent your motives are highly questionable because people are so accustomed to the relationship goal of laying in a bed full of tax money. No one speaks of marriage or having found someone they are comfortable being vulnerable with. Relationships have become a game of who can last longer without being the one to blame when shit hits the fan. I am not about that life.

2014 has been very much hated and appreciated. I am grateful to still be alive, to still have the opportunity to get closer to my true self, and to still have a heart made for loving. I’ll be taking my lessons into 2015 and leaving the other baggage in 2014 where it was made. Thank you 2014 but GOODBYE!!

let-go

Daydreaming

20140116-073934.jpg

In the day I imagine myself being warmed by the sun in your smile
Playing like a child in the cool breezes of your voice
I daydream about the playground of your countenance
I wish just for a chance My hands can dance with it
Dreams of days romanced in night fashion
Songs of winter nights sing out and rejoice
Love who is wisdom stray not away from grasp
My torment let wake the feelings I’ve always had
I imagine myself being warmed by the sun in your smile
Playing like a child in the cool breezes of your voice
I day dream about the playground of your countenance
I wish just for a chance my hands can dance with it
Silence my aching heart
Claim my breath with your kiss
The desire within confined
Until moments end where fate leads us into love on fire
An endless flame spawned from embers of passion
Fed by your smile, and captured by by your lips
In the night I seek your essence
Your most intimate existence
as you exhale my life back into me I perfectly receive your charity
The night evolves as we glow in vulnerability
I imagine a song in the key of silence as heart beats welcome in reality
That I am warmed by the sun in your smile still playing in the cool breezes of your voice as my hands caress your countenance while we dance in a romance I’ll never forget