Wow, its already mid December and I can’t say I’m sad about it. This year has been the most difficult, crazy, heartbreaking, most exciting year of my life. I’ve learned more about me in the last 12 months than I have in my whole 26 years of living, mostly because of a tremendous fall I had to take and the difficult climb to make it back to sanity. 2014 began with heartbreak. The kind where you lose yourself trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, blindsided by your own trust and life had no safety net for you. THAT KIND!
Needless to say I recovered! I got responsible, the strength I took from that experience made me a whole new man. All things do work together for the good to them that love god. I got focused and began writing again, I got back in school, and surprisingly I was asked to be the leader of the mens group at my church. I started studying the word of god more and I’ve been learning more and more about what being a man of god really means. To be excited about responsibility, commitment, and love. To expect that this world is designed to test and temp me in the areas that I am weakest so I have to guard myself accordingly. I stopped “Turning up” as much and I got in the gym. taking better care of my body became very important to me as well as a stress reliever.
My desire to live a purposeful life grew into joy and I became committed to that. I discovered that finding myself required me to give more of what I already possessed and not keep it in. The hardest part about that was being able to admit when I had an emotional response to something that upset me. I’ve always been the indestructible nothing could hurt me type of person and I knew more than anyone that wasn’t true. I tried to find the easiest ways to express those negative emotions until I had to just say F#*k it and just say it raw. Freedom came with that kind of openness because I no longer had to lie to myself or anyone else by saying “I’m fine”. I couldn’t live like that and say I’m committed to growth, it’s difficult but its making me better.
The thing I have to say I’ve despised about 2014 is the dating life! its like I have been in a coma and come out to discover relationships have been broken down into sex, food, and money. chivalry isn’t dead but it sure is in critical condition, so much so that if you are even half-decent your motives are highly questionable because people are so accustomed to the relationship goal of laying in a bed full of tax money. No one speaks of marriage or having found someone they are comfortable being vulnerable with. Relationships have become a game of who can last longer without being the one to blame when shit hits the fan. I am not about that life.
2014 has been very much hated and appreciated. I am grateful to still be alive, to still have the opportunity to get closer to my true self, and to still have a heart made for loving. I’ll be taking my lessons into 2015 and leaving the other baggage in 2014 where it was made. Thank you 2014 but GOODBYE!!