Love is…

Love is the only thing that you can still have after you’ve given it all away. When you allow it to flow through you freely, sincerely, without polluting it with selfish desires, it leaves itself behind like a residue. It permanently marks your soul as a gift of appreciation, transforming you into a physical manifestation of itself. It changes you because you allowed yourself to submit to its will and not forcing it to conform to your own desire to be loved. Most of us never get here with love because we lack the understanding of what is required to have it. 

Most people seek out things like money, power, fame and popularity for a sense of happiness because they believe getting someone to love them where they’re at has proved far too difficult to ever be attained. They believe that affectation of love and begin to do these things becoming even more stressed out, filled with even more with feelings of loneliness and unfulfilled longing. They continuously subject themselves to self-abuse and betrayal because the fear of giving without any reciprocation seems like far too expensive a price for them. The insecurity of even receiving love without an expectation of service causes people to reject the love they desire so desperately and isolate themselves from it. 

Because Love is specific. Because Love is constant. We must realize that Love is alive and quite unconcerned with sensual feelings even though it evokes them with its power. Love is a thought of consideration. Love is an act of selflessness. Love is courageous despite the risks and sometimes, Love has to get us past ourselves to get us to see that we are the very thing in the way of its victory in our lives. We have to come to the understanding that love is solely an outward moving force and the more we allow it to flow outwardly the more we become in tune with it, attracting it like a lightning rod. It is Truth, it is not concerned with being right but rather with what is right, it covers people’s mistakes not highlight them for the world to see, it corrects with gentleness and allows the truth to have the conviction in others lives. 

When people truly become lovers they will begin to leave behind their need of external approval, they will begin to seek out understanding instead of opportunities to judge and divide. People who love from the pure places in their hearts love from a place of connection to all without the need for control. They become the very empath they always needed, they become someone’s strength, their hope, and most importantly; they shine a light for those who still struggle in the darkness of doubt. 

These Good hearted people possess an outward expression of an internal stronghold. They have internalized a form of moral excellence that won’t allow them to be anything else but patient and kind. They face their trials with the kind of fearlessness that lets you know for certain that they have made it through worse. They personify courage in the wilderness of life, they love because of their ability to understand that they don’t need to see the end of the road to know they are going the right way. Love is the only thing that can kill you and give you life at the same time. 

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Treasure

As I journeyed into the wilderness looking for you

I encountered amazing internal treasures roaming in the solitude
They were like flower beds of silver and gold
They were like trees of life that never grew old
They were still like the earth but powerful too
They were soft like silk
Sweet like honey and milk
Dazzling colors of fairy tales flowed from the lakes of my spirit well
I had been made well
If this life wore a watch time could tell
On the other side of my journey
There were days that felt like nights
Times I had to fight the beasts of fear with all my might
Moments I laid spent wondering if I chose the left path instead of the right
Staring at the sky under the blazing sun
Imagining how many sons conquered this plight
Sequestered in the depths of carnality
I had to die to live and save my sanity
In my death I found the revelries in humility
I found the serenity in surrender
Once I find you I’ll remember
That it took more than just desire
the day I realized I was more than a conqueror
The day I found works by faith
Life through death from grace
I found that love flowed in spiritual space

Oasis 

I dreamt you manifested in an oasis A beautiful place of peace where I could be naked 

A place where it was just God and you

Wrapped in the transparency of truth 

Where your sun warmed me with its fire

Dancing passions of romance  

Vast joys of ocean blues 

I dreamt that

In the moment I discovered me 

I suddenly sought you 

I found the man that I was could only need something true

My night skies freckled with thoughts of you so I wrote you letters in your love language to surf the waves of your femininity 

I sang prayers with the whispers of the winds wondering 

Imagining if you were just an ephemeral existence of a fantasy soon hewed away by reality or

Perhaps you were the reaping of a soul seed sowed 

Could you have been fruit from loves tree

The spiritual rib taken from within me  

a gift of Gods favor to be my good thing

I kept searching

I dreamt of a great pyramid locked by a sand clock that would only tick tock if I stood watch 

Over the entrance…

Were the words “here lies the heart” “here lies the mind” “here lies the soul” 

The trinity of your humanity 

I dreamt that

After some time there you were                      

a wondrous journey to unfold 

And behold

Ruby red pathways followed you

Serendipitously drawn to something new

The longer I walked the more of you I felt

The more I felt the more of you I knew

I dreamt of parables drawn to the walls under the gleam of your distant light 

Visions of you scattered through my mind sight 

Resting on constellations 

Your silhouette eclipsed the moon 

Bathing in its night light 

I dreamt that time stopped in your presence 

Virtuous intent locked towards your direction

From the secret essence of connection 

Elusive, creative, unique, strong and beautiful 

Your Unequivocal complexities celebrated graciously 

I dreamt of you patiently waiting to awake with these memories 

Soon I’ll daydream about the possibilities 

“Wrapped up, tangled up, all tied up in… A male role belief system”

We have all heard the cliches about men when it comes to emotional communication. We have heard them so much that now it’s widely accepted that men just aren’t emotional. That notion is false, we are very emotional, expressing emotions that render us vulnerable or what some consider “feminine” is something that we just haven’t learned to be comfortable with. We are conditioned to be communicative with “manly” emotions or the “bromotions” like anger, feelings of Indifference, apathy and the like. How does a boy who’s been taught all his life to hide and suppress the softer emotions learn to open up about them and not feel uncomfortable?

At a very young age most boys are told to reject vulnerable feelings. Don’t cry, stop acting like a girl, be this way, this is what men do. We are rarely educated in emotional expression and instead educated in how to pretend to not feel, to be silent, otherwise if we do we are not men. So to become an adult and struggle with life, love, and ourselves when emotions are necessary shouldn’t surprise too many of us. Everyone of our emotions end up being communicated the same, hurt looks like anger, disappointment looks like indifference, and it all results in silent resentment. Saying “I’m hurt by what you said/did to me” is a big step for a man. Beginning a sentence with “I feel” instead of “you did/made me” is a task for men but those courageous enough to step outside of that mental conditioning are the ones who experience the true essence of manhood. 

In one of my earlier relationships I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to say I needed more of my partners affection. Every time I thought I’d built up enough courage to say “I need you to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, tell me you love me” I failed and ended up saying something that hurt her instead out of frustration. I became more quiet, more distant and full of fear when she asked “what’s wrong” my only response was “nothing, I’m fine”. I found myself comparing what I felt to what I believed a man was supposed to feel like and what a man was supposed to act like which conflicted with my beliefs on what manhood was supposed to be. I couldn’t communicate how I wanted to be loved because it made me feel inadequate as a man. I knew I needed to get that message across but my only option wasn’t manly enough so I continued to struggle in emotional turmoil. 

It wasn’t until years later I discovered that communicating what you feel, why you feel it and not feeling as if that makes you weak is one of the most manly things a man can do. It helps with understanding yourself, growing yourself and maintaining healthy relationships. “I’m fine” is the go to for men in our society and it’s a statement of fear. We are afraid because we have this flawed definition of manhood and we hurt ourselves believing that we can’t talk about our emotions. Learning to talk about how I felt, especially now, has taught me how to trust another person. It has made me more confident in knowing that I don’t have to always be ok and that most issues can be resolved quicker and easier if I actually expressed how I was truly feeling. Now if I need a little more affection I express it and at times I could get it. Saying just how something made me feel would allow my partner an opportunity to connect with me. If I was hurting and I communicated that, I allowed the space for compassion and empathy. I provided myself with an opportunity to grow by challenging my own belief system of manhood and practicing a different method of communication. Whether I was successful in the delivery of my emotional expression or not, my results could change because I changed. 

Too often we suppress what we really feel and think because we have been taught that manhood doesn’t feel the same as the feelings we experience or “real men” don’t think the thoughts we seem to keep thinking. We are stuck playing the role of what we are taught men are instead of being the authentic men we want to be. To communicate that we need help with things or we don’t know how to do something makes many men feel inadequate because we are taught men are supposed to be the stereotypical providers and protectors. That pressure causes us to feel like we must to do things perfectly and we are fully expected to perform independent of anyone lest we fall short of manhood. 

The belief that “I’m not a man if I can’t provide things” is what forces men to fail to provide their emotions and emotional support to their partners. We have all seen movie depictions of the man who has it all, he gives his wife the material world while she starves for emotional connection and intimacy. We have seen these men lose their women because of that mental stronghold of provision to qualify themselves as men. There’s more to providing than buying things. We have to be able to provide the quality time, the emotional vulnerability, and the communication as well. There was a time when a job I had been working full time at cut my hours from 40 to 14 hours a week and I nearly lost it. I worried constantly because I couldn’t find another job or even a supplemental one, I began to feel insecure and I pushed my partner away out of feelings of inadequacy. I told myself the story “she was gonna leave me anyway because I don’t compare to my belief of what a man is supposed to be” and that lie caused me unnecessary emotional stress.
Men subscribe to interpersonal inequities under the guise of manhood all the time, for example: the notion that men are obligated to pay for the dates (first dates excluded) and if they don’t they are disqualified from candidacy. We aren’t allowed to expect women to even offer to pay for their half without being scoffed at or called broke. That happens and men often feel unequal, used and they feel their time is less valuable than their counterpart yet they say nothing in order to protect their manhood. 

Many men believe that to be a protector they must only be able to physically defend their loved ones and valuables. I agree that we all should be willing to stop those things from coming to harm however, I question, “is that it?”. “I am a protector”, what does that look like for a man outside of a sword and shield defender? Many men leave the “nurturing” to women because it’s “the woman’s job” when statistically fathers with active involvement in their children’s lives have shown that children have increased mental dexterity, they are more empathetic, they possess less stereotyped sex role beliefs and have greater self-control. I never understood how my parents used “I do it because I love you” as a justification for their disciplinary actions until I loved someone enough to tell them a truth that would hurt their feelings or take an action that I knew they’d dislike because it was truly good for them. I don’t have children of my own yet but I do have friends, family, people I love unconditionally who I take responsibility for protecting. When it comes to women, men who are providing vulnerability to their partners are protecting the connection that establishes intimacy in their relationship. It’s a necessary reassurance, a force that draws them both closer and a bonding agent that’s unbelievably strong. 

To eliminate the discomfort of male vulnerability we need to challenge that conditioned thinking and begin to ask ourselves if we are indeed being ourselves? Are we comfortable with how we behave, think, and communicate? If not, then challenge yourself to do something about it. Challenge your male role belief system and create something productive for your life and your relationships with others. As men, it’s a courageous act not a cowardly one to be able to say what’s going on inside of your head, to be open hearted, and to exercise the things necessary to actually live in the manhood you were created for. It may be difficult but it’s necessary for our lives to be easier and more fulfilling. 

Faith 101 

God establishes your faith

You find yourself drawn into some church on some odd Sunday because one of your friends or family members “dragged” or “pressured” you to go. You say ok and you go expecting church to be what you’ve always heard about, full of acts and phonies. Some how though, the worship seems to move you and you’re having emotional responses that you suppress cause you don’t want anyone to see you. You make it through it without dropping a tear, go you! You sit there and the preacher begins speaking his message and you’re uncomfortable because what he’s saying is reflecting what your life is taking you through. You suspect your family or friend has told him you were coming and gave him some background on you but they are not giving you any indicators they have when he speaks on your life. You’re thinking “this is crazy! How does he know this?!” And you begin to listen attentively cause he’s telling you theres a solution to your suffering. He tells you about his good friend Jesus and how he can change your life for eternity. You like the notion that your life can change and you start desiring it, you hear that all you have to do is believe that his good friend died for you that he will be your good friend and take care of you. Your mustard seed gets planted and you say yes. Faith has been established! 

“So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭10:17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

You come to acceptance of that faith and you come again and again and you’re high on what God has been doing for you. You are now saved sanctified and filled with the Holy Ghost whoop whoop! No one can ever tell you God isn’t real, but there’s more! You have enrolled into the walk with Jesus Christ as his disciples had done and your lessons begin. God begins telling you to do things he wants you to do, they are hard and you don’t want to do them because they make you uncomfortable and you begin to wonder where that blissful time in God has gone where things just worked. Suddenly something happens that may hurt your feelings and you say “God why did you let that happen to me? Are you real? I thought you were supposed to protect me and make my life better?” 

God challenges your faith

If everything were to be fixed in your life and you were to have no more problems in your life would you really appreciate what God has given you? Would you stop sinning and actually be righteous and upright? Or would you take advantage of Gods gift and do what you wanted to do? Would you take his gift and only love yourself with it? He knows you’ll forget what he brought you out of so he sends you reminders of your weakness and his strength. Those reminders are always hard and just what you need to grow in him. He wants you to accept them and remember he loves you.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.“But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

‭‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4 ‭NKJV‬‬

Just like any teacher God assigns tests, but God isn’t like any teacher we know. He has a specific lesson plan made for each of us, that means your lessons may be more difficult (looking) than someone else’s. The lessons are meant to attack your weaknesses so that the enemy cannot defeat you with them. Healing your brokenness is that patience having its perfect work. You have to go through these trials to eliminate the strongholds the devil has established in you. Don’t resist God and give yourself over to the enemy because you want to feel good all the time. 

God builds your faith 

Once you understand the purposes of Gods trials you begin to recognize how faith operates, you start to understand that faith has to grow in you from that little seed of faith to a fruit bearing tree of faith but you have to water it right? You have to have faith in the little things of your life. Say you want a job, you pray that God gives it to you, you apply, you say “God is gonna let me have it”, you don’t get the job. Has God forsaken you? Has your faith failed? No! You pour more water on that seed. “I’m believing God has something better for me so I’ll keep praying and keep applying”. We don’t have a clue what God is doing but we must trust his timing and when he does deliver you’ll look back on that job you thought was for you and thank him that he didn’t give it to you because of how great the real blessing is. 

“For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, “The just shall live by faith.””

‭‭Romans‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

And you are transformed by your faith in God
After believing, being tested, and growing by those tests you learn to question less and follow more. God has proven himself to you time and time again so you have confidence in him more than you ever had before. You worry less, you are comfortable in times of strife, and you’re full of joy when the rest of the world says you should be messed up with sadness. You know for certain God will use anything to move you forward. All those time you saw an end God opened a door that no man could close, you know just how weak you are and understand the duality of yourself. Your life is really changed. Your mind is really changed. You notice and other people notice as well. 

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:1-5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

What God has done he will continue to do and we all must fight to get to that place of peace in God. Even in writing this I realize how far away I am from being a fully grown tree in Christ. Trusting God is by no means an easy task but continuing to walk with him will make it easier. Remembering where we started should be reassurance enough to know that we are different because of him. Remembering those things should be motivation enough to tell someone about him. Sometimes we get caught up in the feelings of not being good enough when we fail but fail to realize the success God has had even in our failures. He knows and understands fully what we are going through and that’s why He never forsakes us. Whoever believes is going to be made whole, so remember what God has done and just keep going. 

Love By Design

osho-wake-up-dangerous-love

I left home to find you
Search your soul
tend to your scars
Time beckoned me
You and I aren’t too far apart
So let the frequency of your energy sing to me
Bring me gently into your captivity
And when I find you
Allow me to surrender my entirety
Continue to entice me and
Receive the fullness of my sincerity
I’ve searched relentlessly
Assuredly
I’ve prepared for a journey in your company and
Certainly
when I find you
You’ll see you in my eyes
You’ll see fire that won’t die
And in the very place where day and night collide
I’ll find the pieces of your broken heart and bond them to mine
And at that time
You’ll see love by design

Unapologetically

Most times Id rather be making love to you unapologetically but it’s
the power of my tongue that loves to whisper ecstasy through the sacred gates of your femininity
Patient in the exploration into the depths of your intensities by drowning in your Atlantis
Sometimes I stare at you like my prey in the wild
Passionately hunted for feast in the twilight of day
Pleasure strikes like lightning
Monsoonal rains follow your thunderous exhale
You are the substance of dreams
An ambrosial nectar
A delicacy of spiritual deliciousness
Yea most times Id rather be making love to you unapologetically
Right now I just want to taste you

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