I left home to find you
Search your soul
tend to your scars
Time beckoned me
You and I aren’t too far apart
So let the frequency of your energy sing to me
Bring me gently into your captivity
And when I find you
Allow me to surrender my entirety
Continue to entice me and
Receive the fullness of my sincerity
I’ve searched relentlessly
I’ve prepared for a journey in your company and
when I find you
You’ll see you in my eyes
You’ll see fire that won’t die
And in the very place where day and night collide
I’ll find the pieces of your broken heart and bond them to mine
And at that time
You’ll see love by design
I’ve always enjoyed having the relationship conversation; always being mindful of the many perspectives of the many people I’ve had the opportunity to exchange views with, and one thing that has been repeated on various occasions from women is “I can’t find a good man”. Maybe I’m just old fashioned but I believe that good men aren’t meant to be found, that would suggest that women have become the pursuers and men the ones who require the chase. It seems as though men have just lost their tenacity for finding quality through hard work and women have let them by acquiescing to a lower standard. Men aren’t trying so the women have taken the offense.
A man should find you ladies. To “find” by its definitions is “to obtain by effort or management” or to “discover by intellect or feeling”. No good man will want a woman who doesn’t excite a desire to work for her in him and no woman should want a man who thinks it should be easy to have her. A good man understands the value of a woman and invests himself into her with time, diligence in learning her personality, and openness to trust her with his guard absent. A man’s countenance in his pursuit of a woman must be unwavering, confident, but always humble. “I can’t find a man” should be turned into “a man hasn’t found me” especially if you all insist on carrying the title of black queens anyway. None of your power is stripped away allowing yourself to be still and allowing a man to discover you where you are.
Men aren’t being men because no one is requiring them to. “Chillin”, “kickin it”, “talkin” are all defense mechanisms so no one has to be held responsible for each other’s feelings. It’s not a bad thing for a man to have to prove his trustworthiness to you, if he wants you for real he will take the challenge of earning it; or not. A man will always rise up to the occasion if you are worth the chase to him, it shouldn’t be difficult to know when someone isn’t being sincere. We hear it all the time, “actions speak louder than words” and if that’s the truth why are so many of us giving in from mere words without exercise?
I’m sure we all are quite frustrated with dating these days, those of us who actually want a meaningful relationship that has potential to go the distance. It begins with us men, we have to make up our minds that we can be committed and willing to persevere through temptation, doubt, and ourselves. Having more of a desire to give than the desire to get has to be something that men and women have to realize is what makes relationships work. To be emptied by yourself and refilled by your significant other has to be the conscious decision by you both but it begins with the man.
Wow, its already mid December and I can’t say I’m sad about it. This year has been the most difficult, crazy, heartbreaking, most exciting year of my life. I’ve learned more about me in the last 12 months than I have in my whole 26 years of living, mostly because of a tremendous fall I had to take and the difficult climb to make it back to sanity. 2014 began with heartbreak. The kind where you lose yourself trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, blindsided by your own trust and life had no safety net for you. THAT KIND!
Needless to say I recovered! I got responsible, the strength I took from that experience made me a whole new man. All things do work together for the good to them that love god. I got focused and began writing again, I got back in school, and surprisingly I was asked to be the leader of the mens group at my church. I started studying the word of god more and I’ve been learning more and more about what being a man of god really means. To be excited about responsibility, commitment, and love. To expect that this world is designed to test and temp me in the areas that I am weakest so I have to guard myself accordingly. I stopped “Turning up” as much and I got in the gym. taking better care of my body became very important to me as well as a stress reliever.
My desire to live a purposeful life grew into joy and I became committed to that. I discovered that finding myself required me to give more of what I already possessed and not keep it in. The hardest part about that was being able to admit when I had an emotional response to something that upset me. I’ve always been the indestructible nothing could hurt me type of person and I knew more than anyone that wasn’t true. I tried to find the easiest ways to express those negative emotions until I had to just say F#*k it and just say it raw. Freedom came with that kind of openness because I no longer had to lie to myself or anyone else by saying “I’m fine”. I couldn’t live like that and say I’m committed to growth, it’s difficult but its making me better.
The thing I have to say I’ve despised about 2014 is the dating life! its like I have been in a coma and come out to discover relationships have been broken down into sex, food, and money. chivalry isn’t dead but it sure is in critical condition, so much so that if you are even half-decent your motives are highly questionable because people are so accustomed to the relationship goal of laying in a bed full of tax money. No one speaks of marriage or having found someone they are comfortable being vulnerable with. Relationships have become a game of who can last longer without being the one to blame when shit hits the fan. I am not about that life.
2014 has been very much hated and appreciated. I am grateful to still be alive, to still have the opportunity to get closer to my true self, and to still have a heart made for loving. I’ll be taking my lessons into 2015 and leaving the other baggage in 2014 where it was made. Thank you 2014 but GOODBYE!!
In the very moment I close my eyes your smile rushes to the surface of the darkness
Echoes of your laugh ring out through the noise of silence
I've taken I'll from your absence
I hope my cure exists in your presence
In my present condition I hunger for your connection
I thirst for your affection and I ache in places that can only be soothed by your attention
Pardon my aggression
My bleeding heart is only a symptom of this incorrigible condition
I burn internally for your energy
My dreams of you are all I have to medicate me
I have a fever measured in degrees of heartache
Boiling blood rages through me
Each beat reminds me of a much needed remedy
I fear this sickness is consuming me
My vision becomes more cloudy the more I live with this suffering
I am but a candle nearing the end of its wick
And when I burn out wonder not of where I went
Know that I was simply freed of being love sick
I once laid eyes on beautiful enamored by its sight
I fell into its clutch and it embraced me passionately
I rested in its comfort and I drifted towards serendipity
I dreamt in fantastic melodies
Inebriated by their harmony
I reveled at how I levitated from their energy
Have you ever been torn apart and bonded together simultaneously?
What a paradoxical chemistry
Tempestuous moments spent at the summit of epiphanies
A living enchantment born of feminine alchemy
Yes I once laid eyes on beautiful it’s true
But never have I felt it so deeply
Until I laid eyes on you